Today, I did something bad. Intanaz said what I have done was not considered sinful but I felt totally bad after what has taken place. Some one actually impliedly seek for my help and I effortlessly ignored the request as if the request was just a piece of news that passed by from ear one to ear two. I recalled myself for being a person who doesnt mind lending hands but to this one particular case, my helping nerve was automatically and spookily numbed. I am sorry. My apology. I hope my selfish self would not extend to other people. For now, I repent. But that person was not me, I promise...~

I am still burnt...although Malaysia is not suffering from any kind of drought, I do!!! I manage to put off my feeling and being me, I hate to face my own feeling where I normally shove it aside and will only face it when I am absolutely ready...today, I cant escape facing it anymore...every bit and piece of anxiety, conscience and torment has finally made an appearance...too much to be kept down there...thanks to the 'sweet' article found in The Star today about one of our local universities trying to limit its undergraduate intake this year due to their ridiculous aims and thoughts...I know I am nobody to judge but it just doesnt make sense...When I applied for postgraduate, they came out with a new policy...coupled up together with their political conquest among the lecturers, I became the egg in a set of sandwich which was later thrown into the dustbin without being checked whether I am a well-mayoed delicious egg or a rotten worth-throwing egg...I downgraded myself...I set myself as invisible...I put away my LlB as if it meant nothing but just a piece of paper that carried no value, I applied for an opportunity of an undergraduate degree all over again...I once competed in this race in 2003 but this year, my opponents are amongst STPM leavers where that would put me 4 years maturer than they are...yet, I dont care and mind at all...I am still strong to weather all the above...come whatever, I want this and I am going to do it...in the name policy again, no second degree candidate is considerable, "banyak lagi dik orang Mesia ni yang tak dpt peluang nak buat ijazah, kamu nak buat kali kedua..." since I go against the idea of rebutting whatever "Akak Kaunter" says...I just say thank you and salam...I walk off with a song without sound - bombarded with rebuttal, "Saya bukan nak buat Medic kak oi, saya nak buat muzik yang orang tak berminat sangat dan saya tahu ada 40 kuota yang tak digunakan..." I understand my past life didnt portray the best of me, I admit my Law Degree has set me back outrageously but is this the end of everything for me in Malaysia??? I have exhausted all my sources to get my tertiary education in Music but nobody seems to care...I am stuck in between political-power-fight...I am caught in between race matters...I dont know what to do and where do I go...I understand that I should not feel this way at all having another great opportunity waiting for me out there...but I want to be in Malaysia...I have an unfinished business here, to change something that I know I do have the power and energy to do so...I know I could grow at my own pace here...all I care is to assist people within my means and power...3 years is a period of time that I could live with (regardless how old I would get at the end of the day)...yet, Malaysia denied me...the system had no faith in me regardless how low I stood for a chance...Do I really have to go??? Isnt there any more chance for me in my own beloved country??? What is that that I lack which serves me as an undeserving candidate for an opportunity to grow??? "Pergi je la Iylia...mungkin rezeki you kat sana..." Yes, that might be my destiny...but I love my country...unfortunately it doesnt feel the same way towards me...how hard I try to equip myself, it is still not enough...ask Nurlin what is my aim in life that I have started to utter when I was 13 years old "akuk nak............................................." Apparently it is not going to take place, you chased me away...I'm burnt...but I am going, of course...with a scarred heart...~ To Intanaz and Mehmen, sorry for being too emotional yesterday...~

This is not just about being selfish...but when you just find no solution and ways to work things out, all you are left with are only frustration and infinite demoralization...Its not easy when you're totally helpless when things didnt turn out the way you want it to be...it is even more critical when you know you cant do anything about it but surrender...I am torn...I am scarred...my hope is tormentedly shattered...I may be breathing but I lost my soul...tQ for giving me hope and later lead me to a better room as equivalent to h***!!!~

As painful as it is from the dawn of time...I am still haunted by the simplicity of the state of darkness of agony though times have passed leading to dusk...I dont argue, I dont fret...I dont invest before weighing...I dont gamble unnecessarily...I am not a risk taker in certain matter...but does all those rate me lesser??? I have nothing to offer, that's for sure...neither do I expect anything as the bargaining factor...Sometimes its easy to be just the stone-cold or dead-fish because come whatever, I am still steady, intact and secured...This time around, I lose without putting a fight - battling in a field without preparation or any expectation of attack and everything that comes with it...how bad is that??? Is it right??? ~

I often told myself that some things do come on its own...worth waiting and worth not pursuing...I am not saying that some gems just dropped into my lap...but for what its worth, at least I know my generic belief does hold some virtue and I shall count on it in the future...this may never come easy but yea, another valid rule rules, "what is hard to earn is harder to lose..."...with that, I rest my case, Iylia Hashim's rigid principle is binding worthy!!!~